Vaccinations

Sequoia is 2 months old now and it's time for us to figure out what we're doing in the way of vaccinations. I'm not pro-vaccine nor anti-vaccine.  I'm just wanting to be more informed before making any decisions.  The problem is that there's a boat load of information out there and strong opinions on either side of the divide and that leaves sleep deprived mama's like myself totally confused and overwhelmed.  It's difficult to not want someone to just make the decision for you!  But this is our baby and we owe it to her to be as informed as we can be and make the best choices we know how to based on that information.

I have decided pretty easily that there's no reason to give her a Hep B vaccine until she's older, since that disease is spread through blood, sex and/or sharing needles.  I don't think I have to worry about that with Sequoia quite yet!

I also think we probably WILL get the Polio vaccine because we plan to travel to the Philippines and I know there are still cases of it in Africa and Asia, so I just want to be cautious when traveling to a developing country.

If you have strong opinions on this subject and resources to back it up, please feel free to send us links to information.

Here's what I've been looking at so far:

• http://www.vaccine-tlc.org/ - calculates and compares toxins in differing brands of vaccine
• http://www.nvic.org/Vaccines-and-Diseases.aspx - gives a description of each of the diseases and the occurrence rates in the U.S. as well as the side effects of the vaccines.
• http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5751a5.htm - the federal recommendations for vaccination scheduling

Below are the selective and alternative vaccine schedules recommended in, The Vaccine Book, by Dr. Robert Sears.

(Note: This comes from a post found on the internet)

Selective schedule:
2 months - DTaP, Rotavirus (Diptheria, Tetnus and Pertussis)

3 months - PC, Hib 

4 months - DTaP, Rotavirus

5 months - PC, Hib

6 months - DTaP, Rotavirus

7 months - PC, Hib

15 months - PC, Hib

5 years - Tetanus booster

10 years - Blood tests for measles, mumps, rubella, chickenpox, and hep A immunity. Consider vaccinating if not immune. Also consider a 3-dose polio series if travel to Africa or Asia is a possibility.

11 years - HPV (3 doses, girls only)

12 years - Hep B (3 doses)

Alternative schedule (if you want child to be fully immunized but spread things out a little):

2 months - DTaP, Rotavirus

3 months - PC, Hib

4 months - DTaP, Rotavirus

5 months - PC, Hib

6 months - DTaP, Rotavirus

7 months - PC, Hib

9 months - polio, flu (2 doses)

12 months - mumps, polio

15 months - Pc, Hib

18 months - DTaP, chickenpox

21 months - flu

2 years - rubella, polio

2 years, 6 months - Hep B, Hep A

3 years - Hep B, measles, flu

3 years, 6 months - Hep B, Hep A

4 years - DTaP, polio, flu

5 years - MMR, flu

6 years - chickenpox

12 years - Tdap, HPV (girls only)

12 years, 2 months - HPV (girls only)

13 years - HPV (girls only), meningococcal

Where am I?

Brian says he misses me after a day at work and a home busy with baby care. I miss me too. But I'm not even sure who I was that I'm missing. I miss not feeling totally exhausted. I miss being able to just get up and go straight to a yoga class or a massage studio or something of the sort when my body is screaming at me so loudly that I just can't ignore it anymore. I miss not feeling some unexplained sadness as soon as Brian is home from his day. I think it's just exhaustion and a desire to unload my burden somewhere. But none of those things are me. My essence doesn't lie there. So why do I still feel as though there is a me that I'm missing? I guess I miss “me” because I don't feel like “me.” Who do I feel like? What did I feel like before? What is it that's missing. I guess I miss the person who spent time taking care of me instead of the one who spends all her time taking care of a little baby. Even though I don't have as much time for myself, I still am myself, right? And if that's the case who is that? I guess I don't recognize who I am right now. I feel as though I've been reduced to the pain in my body and the warmth of Sequoia's smiles and coos. I guess I'm a little depressed. I feel bad for feeling that way. It's not that my baby isn't amazing and beautiful and bringing me such joy, because she is and she does! But she's my everything right now. 

Does this sound a little over dramatic? Maybe that's because I'm taking my first planned away time from Sequoia and I feel so run down. My body is achy and my throat and neck hurt and I think I may be coming down with something :(. I wish so much that I could just go somewhere and sleep for 8 hours, but even if someone offered to relieve me of my duties for that long, I couldn't stand being away from SR! It's a vicious cycle.

I was committed to leaving SR and the house for a couple of hours tonight, knowing that this is a form of self care! I need to take breaks for myself. Brian and I have decided that to begin with I take a couple hours at least once a week to myself. Maybe then I'll be able to feel as though I haven't lost myself. Maybe over time I'll return to myself. And over time, we can increase my time away. I wish that the only thing I wanted to do wasn't sleep. I know it'll go by too quickly and feel unsatisfying, but my whole being just wants it right now :(. I think I'm gonna leave this coffee shop shortly and sleep. It won't be as satisfying as I want it to be, but I think it actually might help.

I hate being depressed and even more I hate admitting it. I feel the need to clarify that it's not an all pervasive feeling. If you could take a slice from my day at any random moment you may find me basking in SR's sweet breath as she sleeps and cuddles on my shoulder; I might be completely present and soaking in the details of her precious face or I might be lost in conversations of playful gurgles and coos.

The sabotaging nature of depression is that it encourages behaviors that encourage continued depression. It makes it difficult for me to do self-care, to reach out to others, or to change up my pattern. This in turn keeps me feeling uninspired and lonely, making it difficult for me to do any of those previously mentioned actions which would actually help lift the depression. Ironic huh? I think that's why we need our partners, so they can push us out of the depression comfort zone and can encourage us to take actions that will shift things.

So here I am processing my feelings and starting to feel better and starting to feel more inspired to take small actions to feel even better! With that in mind, I think the most powerful thing I can do for myself right now is to go home, take a hot shower and sleep for as long as I can... and to appreciate it, no matter how small a moment it might be.

YouTube Sequoia Videos

Telling Our Story

Brian and I went to the Bay Area Home Birth Group's birth stories session today.  There was a pretty good turn out.  It's basically just a meet and greet for those who've had home births and those who are interested in it.  All the mamas in the room went around and told their birth stories.  I hate talking in groups, so I was a bit nervous and I sweat profusely, but I told our story.  It was nice to share the story.  I'd like to tell it again.  I think with a little practice I could learn to summarize it and hit the important highlights.  What I learned from listening to other people's story was that our labor was pretty quick.  We really had no complications and the best thing about choosing to birth with a midwife and doula is that you can be so incredibly supported.  There were many stories of slow and stalled labors and several women had to transfer to the hospital due to exhaustion.  There were a couple of stories of real medical need and some situations to give you pause.  I was wondering if the new expecting moms found these stories reassuring or intimidating.  But in the end what I saw was that even those that had to transfer because of slow labor or because of medical emergency felt so grateful for the amazing support they experienced along the way.  They expressed that they didn't think they would have felt all of that support if they had started with a hospital birth and all they felt that their situations and emergencies were handled in the best way by knowledgeable midwives and in the end everyone ended up healthy and happy.

Normalized

Sequoia and I attended our second new mommy group today at Natural Resources.  Every Thursday they have a drop in circle for new mothers with babies 0-3 mos old.  It's just 5 blocks away, so I can put her in a front carrier and walk there and it's only an hour long, so it's not too much to manage.  I think it's a really good thing to do.  It's facilitated by a doula and mother of 2.  So far all we do is go around the room and give our name, our baby's name how old our baby is and where we are mentally, from losing it to maternal bliss, and then one question or thing we're struggling with.

The groups is actually really great, because after we've gone around the circle and shared our question or challenge, it just really normalizes what we're all going through.  It's OK that you cry a lot.  Lots of moms don't feel gushingly happy and in love with their baby right away.  Babies cry, a lot, they sleep a lot, they're awake when you don't want them to be, they don't give much in the early days and they're constantly changing.  That's the big take home message she impresses on us, 'whatever it is you're experiencing with your baby, good and bad, just enjoy it or bare with it, because it's not going to last.

I think I shall continue meeting with this group.  It's good just to have something to get out of the house for!

Our Birth Story (Part 2): The Labor

At 40 weeks and 8 days pregnant I was feeling ready to do this labor thing already.  Brian and I had been taking daily walks and eating spicy food in hopes to move things along.  Not that we saw our "due" date as an appointment we were late for or anything, still, it plays mind games on you and you start to wonder if this thing will ever happen.  I'd just met a woman who delivered at 3 weeks past due.  I was not sure I was up for that.  I even went to the community acupuncture clinic to help soften my cervix. 

That evening I met with a photographer who had gotten wind of our situation and volunteered her services at our birth.  She also offered to do some before shots if we wanted to.  Well, since I really had to be giving birth any day now, so I might as well take advantage of another day without a contraction.  We met her at Dolores Park at 4pm, just in time to get in a few shots before the sun went down.  I was feeling pretty tired and rotten and the photo shoot felt a little bland to me, but I put a smile on and did the best I could.  Just before ending our shoot we ran across a group ladies dressed like fairies selling "Magic Cookies", though they assured us the 'magic' was not any type of drug, aka safe for a pregnant woman.  I bought a cookie from them, took some pictures with them, then as we were leaving and we told them I was past my due date it turned out that one of the magic fairies was a massage therapist that just returned from Polynesia (or somewhere) where she attended multiple births!  She then proceeded to give me some pressure point therapy to help induce labor :).  It was a wonderful San Francisco/Dolores Park adventure and then we were on our way.

Later that night I kept having moments that might be contractions, but I couldn't say for sure.  I thought I felt a little crampy like menstrual or something.  My low back hurt on and off.  By the late evening I was pretty sure they were real contractions, but they were still mild enough and sporadic enough that I figured I should just try to get some sleep and expect to be in labor the next day!  I was trying to track the contractions, but since I was in and out of sleep and I couldn't decide whether or not I was always feeling contractions or when they started it seemed pointless.  Then around 2am I got a "real" contraction that woke me out of my sleep.  Brian texted my doula, Tara, and she told us to keep trying to rest.  Then at around 4am I woke to a painful contraction.  This one scared me.  Brian called Tara or Shiela (not sure which) and let them know that the last contraction really scared me and I was having a hard time calming down.  They recommended that maybe I get in the shower to help relax and Tara said she was on her way over.  The shower did help, but I have to say the reality of what I was about to go through finally hit and I was super nervous.  Brian tried to keep me calm and pulled out the birth pool to get prepared.

Tara arrived around 6am and as soon as she got there I was able to exhale a sigh of relief.  Just having someone who knew what they were doing and seeing let me relax and trust a little.  Also, she had great suggestions as to how I might try easing into the contractions, which were strong and regular by then.  I did the shower, the ball, leaning against the wall, leaning against Brian.  It felt good to keep trying different positions.  I was super sensitive and did not enjoy any light touch on me.  I was having a lot of low back pain and Tara massaged me between contractions which helped a lot.  Time and space was a big blur and my memories of things are not totally chronological, so take these accounts as my experience and not an accurate account of things.  I had this lucid moment at one point and I thought, this could have been the time when I'm supposed to go to the hospital!  The nervousness I was feeling and all the emotion was so intense, I could not have imagined going to the hospital at that point.  All I wanted was privacy and reassurance.  I don't think it would have even been possible to get me out the front door!

For a while I was laboring standing up in the entrance of our hallway leaning on Brian.  The contractions were getting intense.  I was starting to dread when the next one would start coming on.  Sometimes they would cause my body to start bearing down and that freaked me out and was painful.  At some point I felt as though I wanted to quit and my legs buckled a little and I was on the verge of breaking down when Tara said that it was OK if I cried.  I thought, 'this must be transition,' which it was.  But for some reason her saying that, and my knowing that we were getting into the serious stuff made me pull myself together and stay strong.

After that it gets a little fuzzy for me.  At some point I ended up in the pool.  The water got too cold and it made the contractions feel even worse.  So eventually I got out of the pool and moved to the bedroom.  I think I may have slept between contractions there.  I don't remember the bedroom much, but Brian said that from his perspective that looked like the most difficult part.  I remember that the main goal was to NOT bear down during contractions, which my body really wanted to do.  I think Shiela arrived while I was still in bed.  I felt another level of relief when she arrived and I knew that the "real" work was around the corner.

At some point things were getting too intense for me in the bed and I wanted to move back to the pool.  Luckily they were able to get the water temp up and when I got in, it actually gave me a lot of relief.  The pool is the part that I remember most clearly. I remember being surprised that I could sleep for the few moments between contractions!  I remember noticing the construction workers outside my window (their building a house next door) and wondering what those guys must think is happening in here.  I remember holding Brian's hand looking into his eyes and wanting to stay really present to what we were doing right then and there.  I was birthing our baby!

As we got into the pushing part I started to imagine my baby girl inside of me.  I tried to visualize where she was and what she was going through.  I kept telling her in my thoughts that she was doing really well and that mommy was gonna bring her into this world as gently as she could.  The pushing took a while.  I think an hour and a half all together.  Towards the end I really started to wonder if I would be able to make it, I was getting so tired.  But at that point she was crowning and I'd realize that there was no turning back and there was no way that I wasn't gonna make it, so I just centered myself, took my time and felt the rise of every contraction come until it climaxed and then I would bare down as hard as I could and I used my entire body to PUSH along with the flow of the contractions.  It was quite an amazing feeling.  When her head was 1/2 way out I remember Shiela saying that I could feel her if I wanted to, meaning with my hands, but I wasn't about to let go of the pool handles I had been gripping and I could feel everything so acutely down there, all I said was, "I DO feel her!"  When her head was entirely out I remember being really happy inside knowing she was only a couple pushes away!  I could not wait to cross this finish line and get some relief already :).  I remember thinking, 'come on baby girl, it's time to meet the world now,' then giving that final push and feeling her body slip out and then having this wave of relief and joy wash over me.  Brian had gotten into the pool by that time and he had caught her.  I had been laboring with my chest against the pool side, so I had to turn over and we had to manuver the baby and umbilical cord so that she could reach up to my chest.  Somehow we managed to do that and there she was!  Lying on my chest was this greyish perfect looking completely new to the world being, held by her father and our midwife and being covered in blankets and getting a little hat put on her.  I cried for the relief of it all.  I cried for the miracle.  I cannot really put into words the altered state that moment was.  It was so surreal.

The altered state lasted for quite some time.  After a few bonding moments in the pool we needed to get us dry and warm and out of the pool, so we transitioned to the futon.  I can't believe they were able to get me out of that pool, but they managed.  On the futon they put her on my chest, I could feel the umbilical cord still pulsing, it was wild.  Then they let her root and suck on my breast, which she did so beautifully.  My mom arrived right around this time.  Must have been quite the scene to walk into.

Brian cut the umbilical cord.  Then they gave the baby to Brian and were cleaning me up and getting me ready to deliver the placenta.  Nothing in the way of contractions or any signs of progress were happening in that regard, so Shiela suggested that I get Pitocin to help me expel it.  I was dreading more contractions, but I totally trusted her opinion, so I said OK.  It didn't seem to work that well, so she started to manually stimulate by pulling gently on the cord.  This caused a little pressure inside, but was OK.  Then they had me hanging off the futon over a bowl to catch the placenta, but it wouldn't come out.  Apparently it had gotten caught on my fibroid and needed to be removed manually.  Shiela explained that she was going to have to reach up inside of me and pull it out.  Oh God I was not looking forward to this!  But again, I had total faith in Shiela and I surrendered to the process completely.  When she reached in and started pulling it out it was as intense as the labor all over again, but I somehow was able to release and if you can imagine relax into it and she was able to remove it relatively quickly.  I hated that part of it, but it also didn't last long and I was super grateful for that.

After that I passed out.  There was some effort trying to get me stable after losing so much blood, but never once did I feel scared.  I totally felt supported and trusting through this whole event.  The only thing I was focused on was not passing out again.  I did my best (successfully) to stay conscious.  They gave me lots of fluid and then broth and eventually my color returned and I stabilized.

I was reunited with my baby and our new family unit slept our first night together!

Our Birth Story (Part 1): Choosing Home Birth

OK, it's been over a month since Sequoia Rain was born and I've been promising to get my birth story out to folks.  So let's see how it goes...

I think it's important to begin with how we came to choosing a home birth.  For those of you who've been following this from the beginning, sorry to re-hash.

Our pregnancy wasn't a planned one, but we had been talking about having a child in the future, so it didn't take us long to adjust to the news and get excited about it.  Excited and nervous.  We weren't ready to have kids.  Well, who's ever ready?  But seriously, we weren't sure how we were supposed to manage this giant life change.  We were running a small start up food business that hadn't shown definitive success or not.  We had lots of ups and downs, and we always managed to pay rent, but lots of insecurity too.  A difficult place to be in when you have the responsibility of having a baby lurking in the future.  I've got MediCal for insurance, so lucky for us I knew our hospital bills would be covered and even luckier I realized that we could have the baby at St. Luke's Hospital, which I had heard was relatively progressive and had a low c-section rate.  I began their centering program (a group centered approach to birth preparation) and was continuously telling myself how lucky I was to have all that I had available to me (which was true), but what I wasn't admitting was how deep inside I wished I could have a home birth, but since it wouldn't be covered by MediCal I didn't think it would be an option for us.

My step-sister and friend, Tara Brooke, offered to be my doula at no cost.  She had introduced me to home birth from her profession and also from the birth of her own children.  I had a few other friends in my larger circles that had their babies at home too.  After having seen home birth videos, including Tara's, and having started reading Midwifery and natural birth books I saw how much the home birth experience was in alignment with the way I try to live.  It's about being present, it's about trusting in our bodies natural capacity, it's about comfort and safety, it's intimate and loving, and it's about allowing yourself to be really supported!

One day towards the end of my pregnancy Tara reflected that it sounded as if I was choosing my hospital birth as an option solely because of my financial restrictions.  I didn't think of it as choosing, I didn't think I had other choices, but in that moment I realized that wasn't true.  We often create barriers where there are none instead of recognizing the endless opportunities available.  Then everything shifted for me and all of a sudden I owned that what I really wanted was a home birth and that I should be doing everything I can to make that happen.  If I couldn't find the $ or the midwife or the special conditions that would allow for a home birth, then it would be time to accept the hospital birth and feel gratitude for what was available to me.  So the light bulb went on and I decided I would raise the funds by seeking support from anyone and everyone that I knew.  I'd throw a fundraiser event, I'd look for scholarships, I'd seek midwives that would offer a discount, and I'd do whatever it took!

So, at something like 7 months pregnant I began my campaign.  I started this blog, I found a midwife and with the help of friends I put on a fundraiser craft/jewelry/art show.  Once, I made the shift and owned my true desires, I absolutely knew that we'd raise the money.  Which we did!  In the process I discovered the true girth of our community.  It extended beyond just family, beyond our tried and true friends; it includes all kinds of caring and/or interested parties: friends of friends, strangers from the home birth community, work associates, folks in my herb class, other food vendors, people in the birth community and beyond!  It was amazing to see how our community grew in response to putting ourselves out there.  It was incredibly inspirational and it has caused me to want to give back.  That's why I want to continue this blog.  I hope that any couple or woman wanting to create a birth atmosphere that feels safe, supported and loving is able to see all the opportunities available.  I'm even thinking of starting a fund for expectant mothers in need.  But that's another chapter.

End of Part 1

Quick she's napping!

Well I'm just over a month into mommy-hood and I'm finally taking 2 seconds to update my blog :).  Actually, I'd say that's pretty impressive.  Oh, I don't know, what do you think?  What's normal anyway?  What am I supposed to be able to accomplish in a day?

I'm feeding and changing diapers most of the time and I'm watching Netflix TV shows while I'm doing it (which makes me feel like some terrible sloth).  I do intermittently turn off the excess stimuli and get present with my sweet little girl and the miracle it is to breast feed, but it's hard to stay in that special place each and every feeding every day.  That's OK, right?  As you can tell the mommy guilt started already.  Well, since guilt doesn't do anyone any good, I'll let go of that now.

I'm going to have to go back in time for a while, till I catch up to the present day.  I'd like to write our birth story first, then...

• panic/worry
• sleep deprivation
• getting out
• falling in love
• becoming legit
• finding support
• on our own